I am wound so tight. I am not a relaxed mom, at all. confession: I am completely stressed and anxious about andrew, all the time. If he cries for more than 10 seconds and I mean, a literal 10 seconds, I immediate get flooded with one of two very strong emotions: fear or frustration. Frustration where I just can't take it and I want to leave him in his crib. Fear thinking I'm missing something major and he's going to get very ill.

I've struggled with both fear and anxiety for many years. Panic attacks used to be common until one day at church I prayed for healing and feel that I was healed from the attacks. Since then I haven't had one but it is a daily battle to manage the anxiety so it doesn't grow into panic. The fear manifests in different areas. Money used to cripple me and now it has shifted into a new form. I often have "fatalistic" visions that I do my best to take captive and throw out of my head. Its so difficult not to linger a half a second on that what if and start believing its a "going to happen".

I'm a bit nervous sharing all of this because I actually don't want to talk about. I'm putting it out there for my own catharsis. I'm not ruling out PPD because I can't believe there is only one way for it to emerge.

I just hate living in fear and anxiety. I don't want to pass this along to andrew. He needs to be in a happy place. As I was told, Joy is a choice, not an emotion. I'm working on it.